Step one will be to add exercise into my daily routine. I need to get moving. Exercise will give me energy to keep moving and up my calories burned. Step two is to decrease my calorie intake. I know I overeat. It has been a defense mechanism for a long time. Eat when I am bored, eat when I feel sad or mad. I need to stop. I need to listen to my body and only eat when I am hungry. Three meals and two snacks is what I need to do. And then step three, this might be the most important. I need to believe in me and believe that I can make these changes.

I need to rebuild my self-esteem. I need to have some self-esteem. I have always lacked self-esteem. There was always someone who I felt for better, pretty or skinnier than me. I need to love me and by loving me I can take back over my body. I can feel beautiful again. I need this. I need to do this for me. I need to do this for my kids. I need to feel better. I need to get moving.

Now being home isn’t bringing up old memories, they are coming from watching my middle child walking up to school in the mornings. She looks so much like me so watching her reminds me of a little me. She has that same shy walk and look. She is all cheerful when she gets out of the car, but once she starts walking towards the school, she looks unsure and nervous. That is when the flood of feelings come back. I remember feeling so unsure and nervous when going to school. I was shy and still am. I was always uncomfortable and felt out of place. I worry that she is going to be like that. She is so shy and seems to be a loner. She seems to make friends, but hardly talks to anyone. She is always so quiet. It really does take me back to my childhood. I loved learning and going to school. But I always felt like I didn’t have many friends. I didn’t feel as if I fit in. I don’t want her to feel like that. I never thought those feelings would resurface. I assumed since I was no longer involved in school myself that I wouldn’t feel so out of place. Waiting for her after school, it feels like I am back there also. I don’t talk to other parents. I couldn’t tell you any of the kids in her class or their parents. I am too shy to strike up a conversation. I am working on it, for me and for my kids.

My son, he is different. He is shy, but seems to have not have a problem getting out and meeting people. He goes to school and never seems phased by any feelings of anxiety related to going and fitting in. He has anxiety over other issues but not making friends and being liked. It is amazing how different children are. My youngest is shy, but she seems so ready to go to school and make friends. I try to just keep encouraging my middle child to be confident and jump in with both feet. I don’t feel that confident, but I want my children to feel that way! It is a work in progress.

While catching up on some other blogs, I come across Katherine Stone’s Postpartum Progress and see that she too was struggling with her anxiety. It helps some days to know that you aren’t alone. Check out her site, http://postpartumprogress.com/anxiety-disorder-anxiety-attack#more-7386 . You might be able to relate.

Back to school starting. My kids are super excited. Kindergarten is all day now, so my daughter is going to have to adjust to that. She was so worn out after preschool, I can only imagine how sleepy she will be after Kindergarten. She is looking forward to making new friends and learning new things. My son is switching schools and seems super excited. He loves school so he can’t wait to get back and start learning again. My youngest is struggling with potty training issues, but hopefully will be able to start school in the middle of September. Potty training is going much better now that she is excited about school. So this mommy is hopeful that she will be attending.

This mommy is coping with her kids growing up. It seems like it has happened so quickly. One day they were babies and now they are growing up and going off to various schools. This will give me time to do crafts, go on field trips, and figure out life! It will be a new adventure.

You ever notice that with potty training issues it makes you feel like less than a parent when your child is behind? Honestly anytime your child is behind you feel like you have failed them as a parent. You remind yourself that every child learns at their own rate. But it still makes you feel like you have let your child down. Why can’t you just help them through this? This is where I am at today. Excited that my daughter has a spot in preschool, but also saddened that we will probably have to give that spot up because she refuses to go to the potty.

So now I am doing extra reading and searching on the internet to try and figure out how to help her. Hopefully she and I can make this work and I can let my baby go to school.

I am trying to change my grumpy mood. I am trying to figure out how to make money. I have looked at crafts. While I have tons of ideas, I lack some of the follow through needed. Projects don’t turn out as desired. But I am figuring out crocheting techniques that might lead to cute little hats! Until then, I have to work on my attitude. Oh how I need an attitude adjust me. Makes me laugh to say that. It is where I need to head.

So to start, I am refocusing on my life and family. I can’t look at other people and wish I had their easier life. Guess what, I don’t know if it really is easier. They may have more money, but that doesn’t mean that life is easier. Money doesn’t solve all the problems of life. It does make you feel a little better when you can pay all your bills and not have to worry about getting that done. I am going to focus on us and how we can make life work. I will let you know how that goes.  I have to take it one day at a time. Each day that I make it through not being grumpy is a victory!

School is another area that I am slacking on my goals. I can’t get back into the mode. I know once I start the assignment it will go quickly, but again, I just can’t get over the first hurdle. It is these hurdles that are slowing me down. I put off and put off until there is no time left and I have to rush. That is the story of my life. Drag my first, then rush to finish. I need to work on this!! Today is homework day, but yet here I am writing this instead. Makes me chuckle. Still procrastinating while talking about how I need to change.

Breathe. It is as simple as that. Just breathe. Everything else will fall into place. Okay, so it takes a little more work than that, but it is the starting point. Once you take that first deep breathe and relax, life seems clearer. Life isn’t perfect by any means. You have to make the best out of every situation. Right now I am enjoying my extra time with my family. For the first time in months I honestly feel happy. What a feeling!!!! It isn’t until you lose that happiness that you can see just how wonderful it is to have it back in your life. When you go into that dark hole, no matter how deep or shallow, it can feel like you are never going to reach the top again. Even if you have made that climb before, it seems harder each time to pull yourself back up. You know what to do, you know how to make things right, but it always seem just out of reach. However, today I have caught sight of the top of that dark hole.

Today I can breathe easier.

I have never quite figured out why I obsess over certain things but similar items can be unorganized and I don’t care. Colors are my main issue. crayons have to be sorted. I have trouble using my kids crayons because they are just tossed in a big box. All mixed together. *shudder* As I write I am realizing that a lot of my OCD was tied to work. My bulletin boards always had certain colored push pins. My pens and pencils were sorted and labeled. At home I am kind of a slob. Other then the towels and my clothes being sorted by color, I am kind of mellow. A few random issues that I obsess about, like nicks in my nails. I have been known to pull over my car just to file a nail that has a minor defect in it. It is all I can think about until I stop and fix it.

Makes me chuckle a little. I say I am kind of mellow, then I start thinking about the other issues that I obsess about. I tend to be a “what if” person. And my what ifs would never happen, but my mind goes there and contemplates these what ifs. I play them out in my mind. I have always done this. But in the past few years I have noticed an increase. It is almost like an escape from the real world. I get lost in my thoughts and have to rein myself back to the present. I am working on it.

I did find myself on the edge of anxiety while laying in bed. I still haven’t allowed myself to reorganize the towels. I just don’t want to give in. I can do this!!

I am now a stay at home mom.  My head was filled with grand ideas and plans for my days with my kids. Two and a half weeks in and not one of those grand ideas have happened. I find myself sleepy, depressed and just not into doing anything. My anxiety is lessened, but I still don’t feel like me.  I know that in order to overcome my depression that I have to take the steps towards happy. I can tell daily that once I get dressed and moving I feel much better. But it can take a few hours before I feel the energy or motivation to get out of my pajamas. I have made a goal though. I will give myself the rest of this week to be sad and just get by. Starting Monday (8/1/11) I am taking back control of my emotions.

I plan on actually being involved in my kids day, besides feeding them and monitoring their behavior. We are going to get out of the house. Do projects and refresh our school skills. It will be good for them and for me. I know I have a month before school starts. I want to enjoy this time. Then I will have to figure out what to do with myself when they are in school. But one task at a time.